Bully Alert
Bullying may impact as many as 30 percent of children in elementary school, and teens are increasingly affected by cyber-bullying, the downside of rapidly advancing digital technology. How can parents protect their child, and what type of action should be taken?
Your kids are running around and fighting while you are trying to get ready for work. “She said I was a doo-doo head!” bleats the youngest, close to tears. "She's bullying me!"
Bullying is a repetitive, intimidating, and intentional pattern of behavior. Not every child who is teased is a victim of bullying. While stereotypes often indicate that bullies are themselves victims, in many cases, bullies are incapable of feeling empathy and they bully others because they enjoy the sense of power it gives them.
At school, a child is shoved and ridiculed by several students, while a few others look on in silence. As a teacher approaches, the students disperse.
Bystanders may be a part of the problem, or a part of the solution. Anti-bullying efforts that train bystanders how to confront the bully may be especially effective.
A second-grader seems sad and withdrawn. Over a period of weeks he complains of headaches and stomachaches, his appetite has dropped off, and he has tearful anger outbursts.
Changes in behavior may signal that your child is a victim of bullying at school. Making time to listen uninterrupted to the details of your child’s day is an important way that you can help. Who are your child’s friends? What happens at lunch time and PE time? Who is nice, and who is mean? Build a special time into your busy daily routine, and resist the impulse to give advice. Praise your child for sharing the details of his day.
A quiet middle-school girl with low self-esteem is repeatedly bullied on the bus. She is ridiculed, humiliated, and excluded. She tries to tell her parents, who suggest that she ignore the mean girls and find other friends. She considers going to the guidance counselor, but she secretly agrees with the girls on the bus - she is a nerd with weird clothes who will never have a boyfriend. That night in her room she thinks about dying.
Eighty percent of victims of bullying are passive, quiet, easily upset, and have low self-esteem. Over time, it is impossible to tell whether these characteristics are the cause or the result of being bullied. It is critically important not to blame the victim in any way, even by suggesting they could behave differently. The victim needs the prompt and complete support of parents and school staff and administration.
Ashley showed her best friend the special picture she took with her smart phone to send to her boyfriend. Her friend took the phone for a closer look, and before Ashley realized what was happening, her friend had uploaded the picture to Facebook. By that evening, Ashley was grounded, her boyfriend had broken up with her, and it seemed like the entire world had seen the picture. What had seemed like a way to prove her love for her boyfriend had turned into a source of humiliation.
Cyber-bullying that involves explicit pictures (“sexting”) affects one in five teens between the ages of 13-19. Like other forms of cyber-bullying where digital media are used to humiliate, threaten, and deceive, once a picture is sent, there is no way to contain it, with devastating effects. Share these steps with your teen to prevent cyber-bullying: frequent internet and social media password changes, password protection on cell-phones, appropriate use of digital camera and text features, and never allow even a close friend to use your password or cell phone.
“Don't tell - please don't tell! It will only make it worse!
If you suspect that your child or teen has been affected by bullying, please act quickly. While children are often afraid that telling adults will make the problem worse, it is critical that parents enlist the help of school personnel as soon as a problem is suspected. Only by clear labeling of the behavior, a concerted effort, and clear consequences can the problem of bullying be effectively addressed. In the event of cyber-bullying, involving law enforcement may become necessary.
Counseling services for your child can help to combat depression, boost self-esteem, and provide strategies for a child who has been victimized by bullying. If your child has bullied another child, counseling may help to prevent further episodes and reveal the reasons behind the behavior. The professional therapists at Hope Haven can help you address your child’s needs.
Lori L. Frazier, LMHC